In the off chance you’ve missed my blogging lately, well, here’s what happened. That beautiful, incessant track of words that ambles quietly but constantly through my head, just suddenly stopped.
I had nothing to say. Nothing to write.
I’m not sure why they stopped, but they did. My mind has been a blank screen with a blinking curser. It’s been very weird.
Sometimes, The Fear gets too much and I’m overwhelmed by the urge to run all the way to Bondi Beach. Plonk my head in the sand. That’s where I think my words went.
I’m struggling to even write this.
I don’t know if I’ll post it.
I guess a lot has happened. I’ve moved into an apartment, I’ve taken on part-time work and am doing less freelance work. I’ve gone in and out of another relationship, and I’ve bought a bed. It felt frighteningly grown up. All of it.
Settling back into life in Sydney has taken me by surprise. I’ve been back nine months and I still feel restless. While the desire to travel is still palpable, it’s not strong enough to make me bolt for the hills with a backpack and a pocketknife.
I often wonder whether travelling makes you infinitely restless. Once it’s in your veins, it never leaves. Coming home is filled with so much joy. But it is also filled with feelings of not quite fitting in, uncertainty and, at times, loneliness. You have a different outlook on life, money, people… everything.
But I love it here. It’s my home.
And so, while the weirdness abates, I’ll just start… running. Like I always do. I’ve signed up for the half marathon in September and again I’m raising money for Cure Cancer. It’s familiar and it’s hard. I’ve got my first long run tomorrow morning and I’m shitting myself. I like it.
It’s what I do when I need a physical challenge. When I feel fidgety on the outside and quiet on the inside. And when the words stop. When I run, the words often run with me through my mind. In fact, the first thing I usually do after a run is write.
Last weekend, I was out with some friends, honest friends, who firmly told me to start writing again.
So here I am.
Thank you, lovely friends.
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