A letter to the residents of the Inner West

Dear residents of Canada Bay… and Balmain, Birchgrove and anyone driving along Victoria Road or the Bay Run this morning…

Sorry for disturbing your peace.

You see… my friend, Mel, and I are learning to cycle and today was our first time out of Centennial Park. We have all the gear and well… completely no idea.

Sorry if we woke you from your slumber as we yelled out “POT HOLE!”… “PUDDLE!”… or just simply “AARRRGH!” as the sun was rising. I have very little control of my entry level machine and am still learning about the big chain ring, the small chain ring and the fact that there is no middle chain ring.

Sorry if we death wobbled all the way around the bay, ducking and weaving around terrified runners and walkers enjoying a morning stroll. Thank you for your understanding when we came barreling towards you from the opposite direction. I’m glad you got out of the way… fast. And a big thank you to the cyclist who yelled “FAAAARKIN HELL!!” as they raced past looking all posh in their fancy kit with their blinding headlamp. I’m sure there were others thinking it.

Sorry if we looked like we had spaghetti-o-ed on the footpath. Thank you to all those people who asked if we were alright. We were actually crouched down next to our bikes, inspecting them to see what bloody gear we were in.

Sorry if I careened widely to the right when I indicated to turn right. I’m not very good at taking my right hand off the bike. I’m better at left hand turns.

Sorry if we scared the bejesus out of your dogs as we teetered past. Thank you to the nice man who put headlights on his dogs because of people like us. Apparently, yelling out “STOP!!” to a menacing dog snapping at the wheels well and truly lets the dog know who is in charge. (Mel tested that one out.)

Sorry if I looked like I had a nervous tic in my foot, which flung itself around and on and off the pedal. It’s a bit tender after I stabbed my little toe with a pair of scissors yesterday morning and it is now a deep shade of purple.

Sorry if I only realised this morning after eight weeks of cycling that I still have the shopping tag on my helmet. Thank you to Mel who cacked herself when she pointed it out.

And speaking of wardrobe malfunctions… Sorry… I didn’t realise until I was home that my boobs were hanging out of my new cycling jacket, which seems to have burst its zipper.

You’ll be delighted to know that at least we enjoyed ourselves, even if we looked and sounded like Curly and Moe. The next time we leave the park, we’ll issue a Sydney-wide warning that there are learner ladies on the loose.

We promise.

Hey – Have you sponsored me yet?! http://cantoobsrf2013.gofundraise.com.au/page/KirksMarathonMadness

Before the zipper broke...





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5 Responses to “A letter to the residents of the Inner West”

  • Tania:

    Hysterical – perhaps you can both mount one of these motion cameras for your next ride. I would get up early to watch. Keep going and well done. xx

  • Nathan:

    This sounds similar to my recent road riding hijinks trying to work out clip in cleat shoes! Only fallen off twice in traffic ;)

    • Kirsten Lodge:

      Don’t get me started on cleats. I’m too scared to wear them at the moment. I figured it was probably wise to get used to the bike first!!

  • Mel:

    Too bloody funny!!

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